Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Another Canvas

Sometimes you fuck up and you don't just fuck up for yourself. You drag others into it, or you explode so completely that others get your brains and blood sprayed across them.

I don't know if I'm trying to be funny there. Came out like one of my weird little remarks.

I'm contemplating how I'm perceived. It's simultaneously a nothing and an everything. Depending on the eyes, your appearance and reception can be the sum of actions and instinct. You can be weighed in their terms and judged in a number of ways.

Or it could just be associations and assumptions. Same set of eyes, maybe. Maybe different chemicals in the brain. Maybe different events occur. Maybe it's timing. Maybe it's chance. Some people see you one way all the time. Some people change their receptions of you. And you can also do things to change their impression.

But that's really beyond me. I am a fantastic performer in a number of ways. I can be a lot of things to a lot of people. Little of it, much of it, feels native. I'm better at understanding others. I wonder about my own interactions at times.

This is nothing political in a classical or modern sense. I do not know how to apply this, make it have sharp edges. Make it neat. I don't know.

I am one of the smartest men I know, and I find myself stuck in contemplating. I have made many errors.

This is wandering I need to do in a tidy little paper book because most of it will be rubbish, meaningful only to my particular brain. It is lonely. I am needing to get more comfortable with being alone.

I don't like messing things up for other people.

I think I need to keep some of my thoughts to myself. The counselor in me will redraft all of this later. The narrative will be edited. I will replace the "need"s with "choose"s. But until then, I need to control myself. I am in the woods. This is not the damn farm. How it is free and how it is not clash with the ways I was once free and not. I am not making sense of it yet. I am newborn.

I think I need to keep some of my thoughts to myself. I hate them up here, and they poison me, but I will pay this cost and pretend a little longer. Maybe one day I'll stop pretending, or be somebody who doesn't shit all over others in the course of being.


  1. you are more to the.. clumsy for a while .. part of your quote from justin above i see .., you are always in a divy of 2 or 3 your comments here .. but this is more of a divy , ,you are not incoherent though as that quote also suggests ,i hope that you are able to find some way of readdressing this wording ..and still being as open in putting in this more out here place .. i imagine that john,pen jack ..and justin when he gets back from his latest traveling still need to here from you in this way / i'm wondering about the in the woods comment makes me go to my needing to say of myself ..that i'm in the wooded..of some away ..most of the time ..

  2. need to hear from you here i meant .. too much brevity

  3. Anne, if I understand you correctly, you want a little more focus on this section, I believe.

    "I am in the woods. This is not the damn farm. How it is free and how it is not clash with the ways I was once free and not. I am not making sense of it yet. I am newborn."

    And that's one of the poorly written sections, so I understand the miscommunication.

    I am saying that there are certain freedoms and certain chains that come with being on "the farm," or in a community. There are also certain freedoms and chains that come from being in "the woods," as my brain calls it, or the wilderness or the country or, in any case, out of a community. (Now of course, we never really leave communities, and community is a fluid concept, but this is an abstract with very rough edges, so forgive me.)

    Basically, I'm used to dealing with people in a very familiar sense. And now I've lost almost all of that. So maybe I act like a big plodding puppy among wolves. Maybe I am the albino mink released from the furrier only to be devoured by a hawk. All this was going through my mind when I wrote this last week. If it sounds like shit, it may be because the fever hasn't improved my writing.

  4. .. no,i'm very gentle ..and my tone is gentle here with that .. i'm not wanting more focus .. . i like seeing what is going on with you as it comes out , i wouldn't be here reading a little over the last while if i didn't like something about what i see in what you write ..,

  5. cuneyt, i was only replying in part here above .. and not quite to what you may have been suggesting , .. brevity is more than wit as i say in comments at the bottom of the ..on grass.. post at who is he/ today .. , / i'd like to say more in time .. .. because i am very interested in seeing what turns your life ,of living .. is taking here .. . ,and of aging a comment you left just after ..