Sometimes you fuck up and you don't just fuck up for yourself. You drag others into it, or you explode so completely that others get your brains and blood sprayed across them.
I don't know if I'm trying to be funny there. Came out like one of my weird little remarks.
I'm contemplating how I'm perceived. It's simultaneously a nothing and an everything. Depending on the eyes, your appearance and reception can be the sum of actions and instinct. You can be weighed in their terms and judged in a number of ways.
Or it could just be associations and assumptions. Same set of eyes, maybe. Maybe different chemicals in the brain. Maybe different events occur. Maybe it's timing. Maybe it's chance. Some people see you one way all the time. Some people change their receptions of you. And you can also do things to change their impression.
But that's really beyond me. I am a fantastic performer in a number of ways. I can be a lot of things to a lot of people. Little of it, much of it, feels native. I'm better at understanding others. I wonder about my own interactions at times.
This is nothing political in a classical or modern sense. I do not know how to apply this, make it have sharp edges. Make it neat. I don't know.
I am one of the smartest men I know, and I find myself stuck in contemplating. I have made many errors.
This is wandering I need to do in a tidy little paper book because most of it will be rubbish, meaningful only to my particular brain. It is lonely. I am needing to get more comfortable with being alone.
I don't like messing things up for other people.
I think I need to keep some of my thoughts to myself. The counselor in me will redraft all of this later. The narrative will be edited. I will replace the "need"s with "choose"s. But until then, I need to control myself. I am in the woods. This is not the damn farm. How it is free and how it is not clash with the ways I was once free and not. I am not making sense of it yet. I am newborn.
I think I need to keep some of my thoughts to myself. I hate them up here, and they poison me, but I will pay this cost and pretend a little longer. Maybe one day I'll stop pretending, or be somebody who doesn't shit all over others in the course of being.